Sex, lies and fasting

Should we fast from sex and other pleasures?

Before I get into the science of why we should, I want to make one observation about the lies we have been fed by most sexperts who peddle the idea that if you are not having sex with your partner two to five times per week then there must be something wrong with the relationship. Trashy magazines thrive on this message as much as personal trainers thrive on the message you need to work out in one-hour intervals. Both are simply not true. Both create a state of fear and guilt. 

So much has been written in recent years about the benefits of intermittent food fasting. Research shows that fasting puts us into a state of ‘autophagy’. Put simply it means the body goes into self-cleaning mode, which boosts the immune system and slows down ageing.

It begs the question; does fasting from sex and other pleasures also have health benefits? Yes it does. In fact it is so much more powerful because fasting from pleasures impacts our mental and emotional health in a profound way.

Fasting from pleasurable things short-circuits our tendency to lose appreciation for them. Psychologists call this tendency, hedonic adaptation — the idea that no matter how good something makes us feel, over time we take it for granted and lose the thrill. We return to an emotional base line, even after the most exciting of purchases, like a new car or a new house.

The problem is that this baseline is shifting. Why? Because we live in an era of extreme affluence where money and technology are making pleasurable things so accessible. Relationships are only a swipe away, so too is our favourite restaurant. Luxury cars, fine foods, bags, shoes, computers, phones; the list of comforts and pleasures is growing year on year and yet, people are unhappier than ever.

Depression is skyrocketing. It makes no sense, right? 

Hedonic adaptation also works for us during periods of war and economic hardship because it forces us to appreciate what we have and returns us to our baseline. But during periods of affluence it works against us. We lose appreciation for everyday comforts, food, people and sex. People who stray in a relationship are a product of hedonic adaptation. They lose the thrill and go chasing it elsewhere.

People who binge on food, alcohol, gambling or even drugs are chasing to fill that same emotional gap.

Therefore, the enemy is not hedonic adaptation. It is a useful evolutionary survival mechanism, much in the same way the ‘fight or flight’ mechanism is. The enemy is hedonism itself and the lack of control we have over our appetites.

Psychologists use two tools to manage hedonic adaptation. And I will add a third one. Fasting.

The first technique involves practising gratitude, which is familiar to most; to be mindful and appreciative of all that you have. To give thanks. How does this help? I think only marginally. This might be a provocative and controversial position I am taking. You see I believe that being grateful only gives us a temporary (even fleeting) positive state before we gorge on that huge cone of chocolate ice cream or, buy that next pair of shoes that we do not need but is “oh so necessary because it is in a different shade of blue” to the one we already own. So I ask you. Is it ok to over-indulge just because we are grateful for it? Not in my books, because being mindful enough to stop and feel grateful for an over-indulgence does not make it less of an indulgence. And it does not teach self-control.

The second technique is to practice variety. Try a different routine. Eat vanilla ice cream instead of chocolate, try a new sex position or read a book together instead of watching TV, go to a different holiday destination, or try a macchiato instead of a cappuccino. It is arguable that this technique, if not practised correctly, can make matters worse by feeding our hedonistic tendencies. So, you buy a Chanel bag instead of an LV one. That’s variety for you! It is still an over-indulgence. And again, it does nothing for our self-control.  

Which brings us to fasting. This is much more effective because it directly strengthens our ability to control our appetite for all manner of desires and pleasures. It goes deeper than practising variety and forces us into a state of gratefulness. It is no coincidence that all major world religions practice some form of fasting. And not just from food.

How do you practice fasting? Simply abstain and practice moderation from all of your favourite things.

Activity: What is your list of fasting favourites? 

List all the things that you absolutely love to do. The more you love them the more you should want to protect them. Because the more you fast from them, the more you will appreciate and savour them.

If you love working, you need to practice abstention by taking regular breaks from work. My performance is off the charts when I return from holidays. Do you love dark chocolate? Indulge occasionally in small portions. You should see my face when I am savouring every molecule of chocolate after a month of abstention. My wife says it is priceless.

Some of my favourite things that I regularly fast from include: a fine dining restaurant, wine (esp. Yarra Valley Pinot Noir), Macallan scotch whisky, driving a convertible (any), Italian cheese and bread, drinking TWG teas, listening to my favourite music (currently The Weeknd), watching my favourite TV shows.

Remember that fasting is completely relative depending on what it is. So when I say that I fast from my favourite tea, it does not mean I go without for days. I simply have one cup per day in the afternoon as a special treat, instead of opting for that ‘bottomless cup’.

I’d love to hear your list of favourites and how you would fast from them.


Z. Joseph (not verified) , Jul 17 2018
Humm where to start ? A long list ... a great article much needed in today’s fast phase society as if we all running the marathon and not even close to the finish line 🏁.
That in mind I done fasting from food in past at time not big deal nothing to Bragg about or telling all coworkers I’m fasting ... it’s an individual act for self behavior if you well it’s a great idea to detox the body to make organs healthy from inside our body and function well less activity to renew itself as a good mentor friend just told before reading this , now going to abstaining from sexy not ever person do have partner those do must be luckier happier per-say then those who don’t , many ppl could have more urge then others heard many stories that couple ended up getting divorce because sex issues ... for some way too much others not enough ...
the other part of indulging shooing yeeey a women must have her LV bag or top line shoes or dresses it’s like I want to look the very best from the rest it’s showing off issues many humans do have ... shopping atvtime it’s a getaway from issues that a person been having some do drugs some alcohol some shopping to fulfill their emptiness ...
I’m a living example to some what I wrote !
Again a great article I hope more ppl got to read it and tell their part of the story in order other won’t get trap ... fasting in any form is healthy detox body mind and renew the thought .! Best 🙏
IG (not verified) , Jul 18 2018
Barnaby Joyce fasted from sex with his wife and look what happened. So fasting from sex is good for you? Bullshit.
Pete (not verified) , Jul 24 2018
The question in Barnaby's case is whether he had a choice in the fasting. Perhaps he didn't and it was imposed upon him.
SamMakhoul (not verified) , Jul 20 2018
It is worth adding that fasting forces you to be present and mindful when you eventually return to the experience you are fasting from, because it will feel like the ‘first time’. All your senses will be heightened. This is why traveling to new places makes you feel so alive. You are experiencing things that are normally outside of your daily routine.


Love this .. I grow my own veggies and fruit, they taste better when in season locally
Jules 22 days ago
Thanks, Sophie -- some good life advice in your article!
Peter Eedy 40 days ago
Hey Sophia, I’m the dad of a 12 year old rugby player, Molly has been playing for 4 years. Great insight into the thought process of a young woman and I’m hoping the benefits she’ll get over time.
Paul Bunker 42 days ago